By Charles Fitzgerald
“Oh bother”, said Winnie-the-Pooh.
He lowered his bong, constructed from an empty honey pot. He saw Piglet shuddering, clinging onto himself for dear life. Piglet recently developed a habit of greening out and becoming very anxious. Rabbit warned him that skunk plays havoc with rationality and self-esteem. Piglet didn’t listen.
“Y’alright mate?” sighed Pooh.
“Yeah yeah, I’m… I’m just…” Piglet trailed off, his mind abuzz with self-loathing. “He tweaking for real”, Eeyore piped up. “Does he want some coke?”
“Did someone say…” Tigger bounced in, his whiskers erect. “Coke?”. Tigger had been prescribed medicinal cannabis for his ADHD. It worked for a while, until his cocaine habit reared its ugly head again.
“That’s the last thing anyone needs right now, mate”, said Pooh, as he set aside the bong. “Especially you, Tigger. You’re hopped as a frog”.
Piglet’s world was caving in on itself. The perpetual rush of humiliation, angst, regret, anxiety, isolation, sunken-costs, unfulfilled ambition. This was Piglet’s world. His everyday.
“I wouldn’t mind some coke, to be fair”, Eeyore’s tail waggled. “Only thing that stops the voices”. Long ago, Eeyore promised himself to draw the line at any tooting. Now, his snout was in tatters – a rag of self-destruction.
“Don’t be a dick, Eeyore”, Pooh sunk back into the floor. “I’m not cleaning up your piss and tears again”. Pooh, despite appearances, was having an incredible time. The rotten wood panelling of this decrepit tree-house was a bed of honey, welcoming him with open arms. Pooh, of all the inhabitants of the hundred-acre wood, nursed the healthiest attitude towards drugs. Aside from the odd bit of speed on birthdays and special occasions, Pooh reserved himself for weed and weed only. Weed listened to Pooh. Pooh listened back.
“The truth is…” Pooh would say. “Anything to take my mind off Christopher”.
Christopher Robin moved to Balham, eighteen years prior, to pursue a career in artificial insemination. He hadn’t returned once to play with his old friends, and now ran his own fertility clinic in Milton Keynes. Pooh’s sadness wore off around six years in, steadily fermenting into bitter resentment.
Piglet had taken it the worst. Curled up in a small pink ball on the floor, he just couldn’t shake the guilt. I should’ve been better. He’d given up all attempts to seek reassurance from his friends. A futile endeavour. They knew it. He knew it. If only Christopher knew it, too.
I just want to play with him, one last time.
“Anyone seen Rabbit?” asked Pooh. “Not gonna lie, bloke’s really been getting on my tits lately”. “Mm”, mused Eeyore.
“Thank you for that contribution”, Pooh sat up.
“No no, I agree. Proper knob.” Eeyore was elsewhere – busy thinking about the afterlife. Tigger sprung up.
“He’s off his tramadol. Said it made him dream of hurting us”. Tigger was, put simply, educationally subnormal. Nice guy, by all accounts. Buys his round. Just thick as mince. Disconnected.
“There’s a surprise,” said Pooh, rolling his marble-eyes. “Anyway, look, if he swings by… Really gonna fuck up my high”.
“This calls for gear!” Tigger shrieked with excitement.
“Simmer down, mate”, groaned Pooh. “This really doesn’t call for gear”.
“It might do”, Eeyore shrugged.
“Christopher”, squealed Piglet. His friends turned to him. “I’m… I’m sorry, Christopher”. “You what, mate?” Pooh inquired.
“You… You never…” Piglet spluttered. “You never really know what you have… ‘Till it’s… ‘Till it’s gone”. His friends stared at him, deathly silent. Pooh closed his eyes. Eeyore sniffled. Tigger didn’t know what day of the week it was.
“Come on, mate” said Pooh. “Let’s just… I dunno, talk about QAnon conspiracy theories or something… Something funny. I just wanna laugh.”
“I haven’t laughed in years”, Eeyore sorrowed.
“I have”, Tigger laughed.
“Gone”, Piglet purred. “Gone.”
Note: Surprisingly, this work is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or approved by the estate of A.A. Milne, the estate of E.H. Shepard, The Walt Disney Company, or any other rights holders associated with Winnie-the-Pooh.
Featured Image: Disney