By Charles FitzGerald
Thursday, 14:31
Jonty: Tell me. Why would a lady as enchanting as you be lurking on an app like this? A woman of your beauty is clearly Hinge-territory.
Ella: Does that normally work?
Jonty: It has been known.
Ella: Right.
Chat Terminated.
__________
Thursday, 17:53
Jonty: Couldn’t help but notice something, RE: your profile picture. You appear to be holding a fork in your right hand, a steak-knife in your left. This is the wrong way round, Lucy – though, rest assured, I’m still interested.
Lucy: ?
Jonty: How’s about I take you to Côte Brasserie and show you how it’s properly done? I’m banned from the local one, so we’ll have to venture out.
As of next Tuesday, I’ll be clean of all sexually-transmitted diseases. How does Monday evening work for you? I’m sure we can hold off until the morning, if you catch my drift.
*MOST sexually-transmitted diseases. Apologies.
Lucy: Dying rn haha
Original, i’ll give u that
Jonty: Always a gentleman, but never a gentle man. Ha!
Lucy: Why were u banned from Cote?
Jonty: I’d really rather not get into that right now, Lucy.
(seen)
Thursday, 21:14
Jonty: Okay, I’ll bite. Last Valentine’s, Côte hosted a “smoked salmon challenge”. Pretty much as it sounds – if you consume an enormous (and I mean ENORMOUS) platter of smoked salmon within the hour, you and your party eat for free.
I made a valiant effort, although needs must and I projectile shat. Coincidentally, James O’Brien (of LBC) was sitting behind me with his family, and took the brunt.
He was commendably understanding about the whole thing (seemed to rather enjoy it, in fact!) and signed my napkin. The Côte stasi were much less sympathetic. The waiter actually ended up asking MY DATE for “Angela” – the balls!
This probably won’t happen again Lucy.
Chat Terminated.
__________
Friday, 01:26
Jonty: Awooga. You bear a startling resemblance to my mother. Jonty likes. (seen)
Friday, 01:35
Jonty: Oh shit. Mum, what are you doing on Tinder?
Chat Terminated.
__________
Friday, 11:04
Jonty: Is that a copy of Dostoevsky’s ‘Crime and Punishment’ in your hand, or are you just pleased to see me?
Emma: What does that even mean?
Jonty: Let me break this down for you, Emma.
In your profile picture, you appear to be brandishing a copy of Dostoevsky’s ‘Crime and Punishment’.
The saying typically goes “is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?” – a reference to the male erection.
I, in a play on words, have tailored the saying to your profile picture. Granted, it’s pretty high-brow.
Emma: Yeah thanks for that. I understand the saying.
Jonty: Great, I’ll try again.
Is that a copy of Dostoevsky’s ‘Crime and Punishment’ in your hand, or are you just pleased to see me?
Emma: It’s a copy of Crime and Punishment.
Jonty: Ah.
(seen)
Friday, 13:44
Jonty: See, I really thought you were going to say “I’m just pleased to see you”.
Conversation Terminated.
__________
Saturday, 09:35
Clarissa: Hi sexy do u like have some fun with me always?
Jonty: Crikey, I certainly would!
I must say, I do appreciate a woman willing to take the first plunge. Thank you for that.
Clarissa: I do make a video of myself when im bored sometime a do a nasty squirting video
I’m single with no kids
Jonty: I see. I’ve always been fascinated by the female orgasm. Seems utterly pointless to me. Is it true it’s 90% piss?
As far as I’m aware, I have no children either.
Clarissa: How do you treat your women in time of fun?
Jonty: In the throws of passion? I have no objection to being slapped in the head. Clarissa: How much do you work in a day and how much you earning in a day ?
Jonty: I receive £500 sterling from my estranged father’s premium bonds every 3 days or so.
And if by “work”, you mean “be an absolute fucking animal” – 5 days a week.
Clarissa: Do you got cash with you in the moment Jonty ?
Jonty: I always carry cash. During my travels in Thailand, I thought it wise to store some notes up my bottom (in case of police bribery et cetera) – though they’ve since become permanently lodged up there.
Clarissa: Oh you have point
What institution you bank with jonty?
I wanna you send money i need to load my internet so i send nasty squirting video
Jonty: I bank with HSBC, though my savings are stored in an off-shore account (Equatorial Guinea).
I’ll certainly wire over some internet cashola. What are your account details, Clarissa?
Clarissa: Thank you jonty my love
I have no internet as my bank institution not work
send photo of you card
Jonty: I quite understand.
[photo attached]
Clarissa: and three number on behind
Jonty: [photo attached]
Conversation Terminated.
__________
Friday, 23:25
Jonty: Mum. You’re not responding to my WhatsApps. Can I have some money please?
Conversation Terminated.
Featured Image: Unsplashed