Categories
Travel

Ode to Rome, Eternal City

By David Bayne-Jardine

‘That’s the thing about Rome – it becomes a part of you. The city lives inside of us Romans – in our bones, in our blood’.

As evening rain beats against the passenger window, Marco, Roman taxi driver of many years, explains to me why he has never lived anywhere aside from Italy’s capital. For his last shift of the day, now one of those spectacular winter evenings suspended between rain and sun, the born-and-bred Roman is taking me out to the airport, where I will fly home for Christmas after a three-month year abroad placement.

His comment, uttered with that casual romanticism native to the Italian language, strikes me as disarmingly poetic. In a typical Roman way, he lands emphatically on the consonants of each word, occasionally lopping off the last syllable of a verb. The result is a lilting, continuous musicality which renders everything uttered just that bit more passionate. 

Of course, in every city you will find people enamoured by their surroundings, convinced they live in the best place on Earth. What is perhaps more unusual, however, is the sheer quantity of Romans I met on my brief placement who demonstrated a similar infatuation to that of Marco, convinced that they will, truly, never go anywhere else. In short, it quickly became apparent that Rome is a whole world within itself: seductive, mesmerising and highly addictive. 

I whip my phone out of my jacket pocket and start frantically tapping down his remark, tentatively trying to get him to expand on his image. What does he mean when he says the city ‘lives in his bones?’ I sense a hint of surprise in reaction to my request, as if for him such strong patriotism for one’s city is merely commonplace – a given. 

‘Well, I miss it so much when I’m away, that I never really leave’. To avoid an unanticipated set of roadworks, here he strikes down on his left indicator, lurching into a narrow side street full of warm trattorias and well-dressed waiters. I gaze out the window through the veil of raindrops at the figures inside, who mop up pasta sauce with crusty bread and drink down glasses of wine.

‘Rome is a mess’, he adds, ‘but it’s all I’ve known. I was born a Roman and I will always be a Roman’. 

He loves it, he implies, like a family member – despite its imperfections (of which, he might add, there are many). And certainly, my otherwise-dreamy time in the Eternal City was peppered with the occasional reminder of its more challenging aspects. For one, practically nothing gets done on time. Of course, this isn’t something exclusive to either Rome or Italy, but in the EU’s third most populous city, when things don’t run smoothly you really start to feel it. Large-scale transport strikes regularly blot the calendar, turning a barely tolerable metro commute into a tooth-and-nail fight for the pavement. Construction sites remain open for years, festering in the Mediterranean sun and eating into already-feeble public funds. Corruption plagues local politics, and bureaucratic systems remain archaic, shuffling through administrative processes at a snail’s pace. 

To use a favourite Italian word, the city is, in short, ‘un casino’ – a mess. Somehow, everyone is frantic, yet nothing gets done. But still, despite this nightmarish concoction, I find there is something truly enchanting about it all; some spirit that, as Marco puts it, lodges in your bones and stays with you forever.  I met several other Romans in my time there who expressed an extraordinary love for their city, including a chef who has only ever lived in the same building – he now runs his cookery school two flats above where he first learnt to walk. His childhood best friend, now reaching 50, has also remained in the same apartment block since infancy. 

I explain to Marco that whilst you may well see this sort of situation in the UK, it would be much less common than it is here. Just as he raises his eyes to the rear-view mirror to respond to my comment, out of nowhere a bicycle flies into view, whizzing like a bullet in front of the car, narrowly missing its shiny bonnet. I, vicariously seeing my life flash before my eyes, grip the door handle and gasp, briefly and fearfully imagining what could’ve been a hellish end to my time abroad. Reflexively, Marco slams a hand on the horn and a foot on the brakes, providing a one-note accompaniment to his plethora of curses, soon to be joined in chorus by other drivers who similarly have been caught off guard. 

Indeed, this is the defining sound of Rome – the constant and erratic blare of hands on car horns. And yet, lying in bed in the dark, listening closely to the night, you might find an unlikely symphony emerging from this city soundscape. Like in some avant-garde piece, sounds which initially seem unrhythmical, spontaneous, gradually assume an unexpected musicality. Ambulance sirens, dissonant car horns, revs of sports cars and shouting from the street all combine to form an unexpected pulse. 

Rome is an engine fuelled by this organised chaos, and its people embrace it as their way of life. Nowhere is this more evident than in the case of crossing the road there. When I first arrived, I was shocked by how ballsy its pedestrians are. Streams of rapid traffic are brought to a stop by one person and their chihuahua (often both sporting stylish jackets), who step into the road with an inspiring, if not petrifying, confidence. 

However, I soon came to understand that in order to participate in the experience of Rome one must resign to its turmoil. You can confidently cross a busy road because Romans are wired to expect the unexpected; it is only if you hesitate, if you disrupt the ordered frenzy, that you might cause issues. And whilst drivers will always let you know of their frustrations through the medium of horns and inventive curses, as quickly as they rile up do they settle down – hands on the wheel, eyes forward, onward…  

And sure enough, Marco soon seems to forget about this near-incident with the bicycle, picking up a bit of pace as we get into the suburbs. The last of the December light drains from the horizon – golden, as honey, it drips into the cracks between the silhouetted buildings and shines on the dusky clouds like a lick of fresh paint. Rolling down the window, he pulls out a cigarette from the glovebox, lighting it inside the car before thrusting it out into the evening. His left hand rests limply on the car windowsill, the tip of the cigarette burning hotly, brightly, in the unexpectedly cold winter air. He pulls it in to take a long drag, the rich smoke and the car exhaust briefly mingling in my nostrils. 

Time passes, and as we trundle on in silence I still find myself caught-up on, and inspired by, his romantic declarations of love to the city, wondering what it is that makes it so intoxicating, so special, so fulfilling for its inhabitants. Accepting that I may not get any more poetic spouting from him today, I try to put myself into the shoes of a Roman – particularly, one of the many ones I met who feel they simply could not live without it. 

Perhaps it’s the remarkably well-preserved ancient city that lends Rome its incandescence. After all, is there any better-known empire than that of the Romans – that distant world where politicians, philosophers, poets and artists laid down the groundwork for Western civilisation? Indeed, walking through the Forum today, the Colosseum at your back, you cannot help but feel at least a touch moved by the significance of where you are standing; that, 2000 years ago, those toga-clad figures of your childhood textbooks walked the same cobbles that you do now. Looking out over the ruined temples, the destroyed pillar pedestals that jut out like wonky teeth, you almost feel as if you have inexplicably come full circle – as if you, a member of the human race, have somehow returned to The Start. 

And yet, I think to myself as we rattle along, this can’t be the sole reason for Rome’s magnificence – why hasn’t Athens, for instance, reached the same level of international infatuation? 

I pick up my phone and passively scroll through my notifications, opening and dismissing them one-by-one until all that is left is my screensaver – a zoomed-in detail of the ceiling fresco in Sant’Ignazio di Loyola, one of Rome’s most stunning churches. Angels and cherubs dart through pastel-pink clouds, the mastery of perspective and scale making the viewer on the floor feel as if they are gazing up into the infinite heavens. The time, now reading close to 18:30, is stamped on the top of the screen. An angel peaks over the top of the number 18, watching the evening steadily pass beneath it, notifications from the busy modern world appearing and disappearing beneath its playful gaze.

It dawns on me both then and over the successive weeks that it is not Rome’s status as an ancient city which makes it so enchanting. Rather, it is the sheer quantity of historical eras crammed into that one capital that make it so fulfilling; that, and how willingly said eras offer themselves up to you. 

That is, putting the ancient world aside, the city was just as much of an intellectual and cultural hotspot in the Early Modern period. In every church, in every park, on every street, Rome offers a work of mid-millennium art to its inhabitant – a glorious fountain by Michelangelo; a towering statue by Bernini; a chillingly graphic work by Caravaggio. It is awash with art galleries and museums dedicated to some of the greatest inventors, creatives and thinkers in world history, who all, at least briefly, found a home within the Eternal City. One feels overwhelmed, perhaps even desensitised, by the amount of art waiting to be discovered – faint at the mere thought of tackling another gallery. 

And that’s not to mention the fact that the city is also home to the seat of the Catholic Church – the pomp and circumstance of one of the world’s largest religions all takes place within Rome’s walls, with millions of pilgrims flocking to the Vatican every year to get nearer to the heart of their faith. What’s more, outside this urban island lies a less well-known but equally significant district – the EUR: Mussolini’s mid-century attempt at a new city centre, whose rationalist architecture, concrete tower blocks and sweeping boulevards make one feel as if they have stepped off the metro in Eastern Europe. 

From ancient ruins to medieval chapels, from Renaissance masters to fascist relics, Italy’s capital is one that wears its past on its sleeve. A walk through Rome is akin to a walk down the corridor of time, behind each door a well-preserved era of man awaiting its discovery, each in turn a reminder of the minuteness of our lives, the blink of time in which we inhabit, and of just how long humans have been doing exactly what humans do. However, perhaps unlike other ancient cities, it is the ease with which these doors swing open that makes Rome, Rome. Even with the lightest push of passive intrigue (a post-lunch amble down a narrow side street), the city offers its past up to the wandering tourist – a hidden, fresco-ridden chapel, a crumbling temple to a long-dead god, a striking reminder of a fascist past. 

And perhaps this is why its inhabitants can embrace the ebbs and flows of life to a greater extent – why they appear less fussed by order, rigidity and a ‘proper way of doing things’. Heading to work, going for dinner, walking the dog, Romans are surrounded by reminders of how long humans have been alive – that despite the hardship of war, or poverty, or oppression, the human race (and perhaps Romans in particular) have this remarkable ability to just carry on. And whilst some may find despair in this constant reminder of their own life’s brevity, it strikes me that Romans find the key to happiness in this very insignificance. They roll with the unpredictability of life (the death-wish cyclist, the umpteenth roadwork) because they know that what really matters is the small, pleasurable things – their family, food, love, art, wine, sport, music, dancing, and that short, sharp espresso that sets them on their way in the first few hours of the morning.

And sure enough, it is these very same topics that Marco seems keen to speak about as we near the airport.  

‘So how do you celebrate Christmas over in the UK?’ he asks me, briefly gesticulating in annoyance at someone cutting in front of us. He directs his eyes back to me in the mirror to show his genuine interest. Here we embark on an in-depth comparison of festive traditions in our respective countries. Indeed, despite myself and my efforts to embrace Italian culture, as we turn off to the airport, and as I describe the unparalleled delights of turkey and stuffing, I find myself guiltily drunk on the promise of a good old British Christmas: seething fires, floods of gravy and nights so black you could drink them down. 

‘In Italy at Christmas we eat everything’, he declares with pride, waving a cigarette around as if he is illustrating the dinner table for me. He describes the key celebrations during the festive season and gleams as he tells me all about life at home: his wonderful wife, his three young children, and their budding football prowess. We are pleased to find a cultural similarity in our shared love for roast potatoes, leaving me practically salivating as we pull up to the departures entrance. 

When I step out of the taxi the bright airport lights strike my eyes, the roar of aeroplane engines, of the global 21st century, buzzing in my ears. 

‘What have you got in there, a body?’ he jokes as he lifts my suitcase out the boot, accompanied by a slightly delayed laugh from me who takes a second to work out the meaning of the Italian ‘cadavere’. I lift my eyes to the sky, watching great beasts of metal soar up into the dark, their lights blinking bright and red as they disappear, nose-first, into the night. 

Smiling at me, and taking my hand, Marco wishes me a safe journey, and, with meaning, a very happy Christmas. 

As the aircraft pushes up through the sky, I watch the city unfold beneath me, revelling in that unique tranquillity of a plane journey at night, when it seems as if, for a brief few hours, life and time are stopped entirely. Below I can make out the twinkling suburbs, the pulsating city centre; I can almost hear the sirens and the shouts; smell the cigarettes. 

Marco’s words echo in my mind as the city disappears behind me, darkness surrounding us as we head out to sea. One can understand how such a city ‘lives inside’ its inhabitants when living there is to constantly be reminded of just how far humans have come. For him, and for many others, it is a lifetime honour to be ‘Roman’ – to be classified under the same term as some of the world’s greatest thinkers and creatives. 

And it is in this way, climbing through the sky, that I come to see the city as a true life experience – wildly infuriating, perfectly chaotic, endlessly intoxicating; forever, Eternal. 

Categories
Poetry

Prayerbird

By Lyra Button

I was dove;
you were air
and I was happy to fall
as you held me between fingers
Spreading my wings, setting me to fly.

You are gone.
And I am the jackal
piecing away at its own feathers.
Til I’m just a pile of bones,
strangely living.

Bright dead things, the stars of the night.
Old dreams preserved in the silver shadows
of the night’s scars.
A sadness is not always an ugly thing.

So I look to stars
find my north and fly.
And I remember you
as a smile
edging towards a tear.
A sadness is not always an ugly thing.

Now I am something beyond
the bones of being alive.
I am night:
tumour dark; still shining.

Categories
Perspective

Forget-me-not 

By Rosie Roche

About a year and a half ago, I lay awake at night, tears streaming down my face as I dug deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole of reels about dementia. Strangers being forgotten by their families and friends, and strangers forgetting their families and friends. The thought terrified me to such a level that for just over a week I lived in a feverish state in which I wrote my ‘The Memory Bank. It was as industrious and unromantic as it sounds. Before I went to bed, I would trace every moment I could remember from that day and write it down.

I fully expected to read it back and be bored by excessive details of the mundane. However, I was wrong. The document begins by delusionally declaring: ‘I need to wake up and revise tomorrow. But that is unimportant really compared to the story of my life […] I have started a hundred thousand diaries already with the very real intention of following through with it. This time will be different because I will.’ Naturally, ‘The Memory Bank’ goes on to span a period of precisely only 12 days, from the 31st April – 11th May 2023: the height of my A-Level stress. It contains 5441 words. It is utter chaos. I must have repressed this period of my life far more than I realised. In my mind, A-Levels had been full of hard work, certainly, but I also thought I was relatively calm and rational. Having read it, I can safely say I cracked a bit under the pressure. Here is an extract which is very telling of my fragile mental state at the time:

Monday 8th May, 2023

‘I needed to come home. I had gone days consistently on the verge of crying and it was very tiring. I tearfully ranted about Miss Toe [name changed] on the way home to my mum, who had given me a sandwich. I got home and tearfully said I needed a shower. My mum said I should come and do the chickens. I tearfully declined. She made me go anyway. 

I stood for a moment watching my mum dig up a worm for Henrietta. I tried to convince Peggy to eat a potato. I then said I was going back up to the house to have a shower. My mum told me I might have to turn the hot water on, and I started crying. 

I had soup and bread, and the best shower ever while watching the office. I felt amazing, I felt refreshed, and my dad came in, asked if I was ok, and I melted back into tears again.’

It turned out to be a thoroughly entertaining read, at least for me. I wish I could stick to regularly writing a journal or diary, but I have always struggled to make good habits stick. For your own potential amusement, here is a further extract from ‘The Memory Bank’.

Some context first: Bob is a fat little ginger pony, Wiggle is a very stupid pug (which I call the Bug), Henrietta is a chicken (or was, RIP), and Agatha is my sister.

31st April, 2023

‘I went to let out the chickens and say hi to them properly as I hadn’t really introduced myself yet. The gate wouldn’t open until I shoved it really hard, then I gently swung it back behind me. It closed again. Turns out the chickens had been let out already. I was trying to stroke ‘Hen-rietta’ (note: change the hens’ names, Agatha is overestimating the funniness) and to my horror saw that Bob was casually walking into the garden. Despite my best roar to prevent him, he continued meandering along. I leapt up to open the door. It wouldn’t open. I pulled and pulled and pulled with all my might. No luck. Instead, I was forced to jump like some kind of kung fu panda, and flew over the whole fence, bouncing off the hen food thingy. Grabbed the first bucket I saw, full of dirty water. Emptied it. It was full of rusty nails. Legged it to the tack room. Grabbed a big handful of nuts. Lost my bucket. Stressfully hunted for my bucket. When I finally found Bob, I lured him back, but to my horror, Wiggle stood, blatantly willing to die in Bob’s path, and Bob was not about to stop for an animal with an arse for a face. He powered through. I repeatedly flung Wiggle away by the scruff of her neck while maintaining a grip on the bucket. I did it. But it was not all over yet. There was still a pile of rusty nails to pick up which had conveniently landed in a rotting pile of horse poo. So with the Bug on my lap, I hunted through horse shit for rusty nails. All of this to let out the chickens who were already let out.’

So, there was a time when a chicken called Henrietta was an unusually dear thing in my life… which I had forgotten. If I hadn’t written these random days down in such depth then she would have sunk into the vast ocean of forgotten details in my life. In all honesty, there will be a depressingly large forgotten ocean specifically for chickens which have tragically died over the years because of the fox. I have not forgotten the pug’s death wish however, which persists without explanation to this day. She repeatedly lunges into herds of cows and yaps at their feet as they trample around her, or dives under car tyres thinking she can halt them with her sheer bulk. Small but mighty (and with a short life expectancy due to her small brain). I digress.

I was lucky enough to have a gap year and was again determined for this period of my life not to be forgotten. In the dreary days of October when my local friends had already sauntered off to Australia, London or University, I still lurked in the countryside with the sheep in the mud and the rain, feeling sorry for myself. A friend’s father rather morbidly looked me in the eye and said – and I will never forget it – “You will remember these days of your life in colour…  the rest of your life you will remember everything in black and white. Enjoy it. Appreciate it.” I did appreciate it and the memories are certainly colourful, and I now dread the day where my memory will fade to black and white- a very eerie thought. Anyway, these words first of all sent me bolting into London in search of ‘colour’ and to rather predictably work for F&M, and secondly, they were a motivating factor to start trying to write down my life again. 

Although I did buy several small notebooks which are stacked in a neat little line on my desk, they are all either heavily written in throughout the first pages, or maybe half full at the most. I think this is partly because when I am writing something physically, I don’t really like to be brief, as it feels inaccurate. I always find myself writing diary-like things as if someone might come and read them one day, so the tone is like a one-sided-dialogue. They are long, drawling monologues which bang on about lots of little things – like a cat I saw in the morning, or a grape I ate in the afternoon. I inevitably get bored and give up. I ended up having a note (just in Notes) which bullet-pointed each day roughly. This is not time-consuming at all and works well because even if it’s not very detailed, you remember things from it. Some of them I returned to later and tried to rewrite in greater depth from memory. 

My favourite way of writing down my memories though, which I began in August 2023, is to try and perfectly capture a single moment with as much vivid detail as possible – written in the moment itself. I normally try to write in a way that puts people reading it at as close proximity as possible to the same scene of my life. This is an impossibility, of course – one of the great troubles with writing is the inevitable incongruity of the memory of the author with the myriad of interpretative imaginations of their readers. Even the discord between public imagination and Hollywood imagination causes unimaginable irritation for everyone involved – nothing is more jarring to an adoring reader than watching a badly adapted book unfold on screen. The best adaptation of a book I have seen to date is Normal People – which I was amazed by, given that the nature of the book is so focussed on the mind; to express that on screen was an incredible feat. I also think it is an example of the book seriously lending to the experience of the film, as you know precisely what niche pocket of feeling the actors are attempting to portray. I digress… 

Here are some extracts from my ‘Words, words, words…’ notes:

18th August, 2023

‘The window faced the sleepy sun which rested brightly right against the horizon, scattering shivers of yellow out into the sky. For a long moment the plane swivelled away, and when it turned back, the sun was gone and only its ripples of orange light remained. The sky dipped quickly from being glazed with sunset, to a smoky purple, to an ever deepening blue. Now the world outside is charcoal black, and having deliberately, stupidly, picked a window seat for the views, I find myself with my face pressed against the window to see past the reflections from inside. When you get close enough though, it is quite beautiful. The only thing to be seen in the darkness is the patterns made by people’s lights. Cities smattered the black with shifting gold, making a band of land look like it was smouldering, a burnt out piece of timber in the inky sea. Tiny bursts of light are towns. When they’re splattered across a large area, the ground looks like it’s been scoured by meteors which have left glowing ember debris. They’ve dipped the lights now, so the plane is soaked with orange-pink light, and now I can see the stars peppering the sky.’ 

Another one… 

2nd March, 2024

‘The hills rise and ripple around us like a green tide, swallowing up the view of Mount Kenya. The wind whips and snaps at my hair and grey lakes loom from the grass lined with zebra and impala. Cows are herded across plains by men with colourful clothes and long sticks and the shrubbery expands and contracts with the shifting landscape like a murmur of forest-coloured birds.’

This one’s from Cambodia…

2nd May, 2024

‘The sea is lilac pink, and the sky is a soft raspberry rainbow of rippling clouds. Painted blue and white boats are scattered across the bay and the green arms of the island are extended out towards the mainland like a ballerina. The hostel is filling up, the BBQ burning away wafting the mouth-watering smell of steak across the sand. Zac’s knees knock together as he scrolls through Instagram, Kitty is plugged into her wire headphones and Ella lies on her side. Flags flap in an unfelt breeze. Purple UV lights over the bar. Waves lapping at the beach. Suki Waterhouse lilting in the background. This is tranquillity. Earlier we rented a paddle board and spent the afternoon burning in the sun, leaping, diving, flipping into the bright turquoise water before flopping over the board, faces tilted away from the light. It felt like perfect nostalgia if that makes sense. “You only realise you’re in the good old days when they’ve already gone”. Bullshit. I’m in them right now.’ 

This next one was on the final flight of my year off. Evidentially my thoughts had turned a bit darker at this point, as I seem to be picturing it crashing. 

24th August, 2024

‘Suitcases rolling. Disembodied dolls heads lolling out of glittering backpacks. Identical blonde girls in identical dresses. Walking down the aisle, scanning for the seat number. It is as if I were walking through a real-life Guess Who. Different versions of blinking bleary-eyed faces watching me. 13C – not a window seat sadly. Soft roar of the plane. ‘Seat Belts please.’ You need to put your bag in the overhead as you’re on a wing exit. Reading the instructions above the window. Letting the mind drift. The plane jolts and hisses and the door flies off. The man with the weak bladder who earlier kept getting me to stand up: dragged out of the window. The clutter of yellow masks deployed and bouncing and swinging. Hands grabbing and missing and yanking the oxygen to their faces. I read once that the oxygen simply sedates passengers, making them giddy and happy during their last moments. The blue sky tilts. What would Byron or Wordsworth write if they knew we would one day commute through the intangible mountains of white cloud, in a branded cylinder hurtling through the air, somehow more stable and smooth than rolling on rails in a train. Sinking into the glow. So vivid, so glorious, so heavenly. It would give way to shadow and rain and muddy green and grey. England. Home. 

The thud of wheels against tarmac. A familiar feeling now- how privileged is that? Tens of times. This time there is a sad finality to it. Already I want to fly away again. I can already see it coming. The murky ice of winter charging headlong towards me, even as the sun still presses a warm palm against the graffitied cheek of Bristol.’  

Anyway, I feel I have subjected you all to enough of my random moments in life. Those were a few ways that I, an extraordinarily disorganised person incapable of writing a diary, have tried to battle oblivion over the last few years. Wilde once brilliantly wrote, in The Importance of Being Earnest, ‘I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train’. I wouldn’t call any of this sensational, but it is such fun (Miranda’s Mum).

Categories
Creative Writing

In Search of a Second-Class Train Ticket from Buffalo, NY

By Matthew Dodd

I’d read in a paper not too long ago – The San Francisco Chronicle I believe – about a boy who’d won the lottery with a ticket paid for by his week’s pocket money and had bought his parents’ house, evicting them both. It said that the boy had let them stay on in a basement annex on the condition that they let him have figure skating lessons on a Wednesday afternoon. The newspaperman covering the story – John or James or maybe Simon – had asked the boy why he didn’t just use the money to pay for the lessons himself. The boy offered no comment. There aren’t many things on which one can justify having no comment, I think, but maybe figure skating lessons are one of them. I’m not sure why this particular story had come to me at this particular moment – in the second class carriage of an Amtrak service running, late, from Buffalo to Poughkeepsie – but I hadn’t got a novel or a newspaper or a cereal box to read so I supposed remembering this half-chewed scrap of a story was all the entertainment I would find.

My head had already begun lolling slowly towards the window before I realised my mind was straying in the direction of unconsciousness. The jostling death-throes of the glass woke me up with its infernal rattling before I’d had the chance to fully make contact, sending my upper body in an urgent overcorrection back the way it came and, further, into the shoulder of a moustachioed man of about fifty sat to my immediate right. He looked up – his nose had been down as he’d remembered to bring a newspaper – and scoffed before shaking me off and returning to his reading. I apologised and came back to a postural middle ground between these two extremes. Outside, a tapestry was being constantly redrawn of leaf-less trees and car-ful motorways (highways, I mean): rivers whose waters vanished into forests and tossed twigs and logs out of their bodies like toys out of a baby’s pram. We came, every few minutes, to this or that small town which had once been a bustling centre of this or that industry before this or that tall man in an ill-fitting suit had bought and sold the land for some or other reason. Huge concrete mammoths of buildings – adorned with great tusks of moss and mould – stood erect and empty, languishing in vacuity. Out of a few leaked the vague sounds of angle grinders or young mothers crying.  These disparate visions slipped away at the pace with which they’d arrived. 

Narrow seats of an awkward maroon sighed against windows half blinded by frost and veneered with an array of assorted secondhand chewing gums, altogether topped by a baggage rack which, at every turn and fluctuation in speed, appeared ready to relieve itself of its duties. Up and down the aisle marched a seemingly endless parade of children, parents, students, pensioners and most every other denomination of personhood – as though the gangway were bifurcating humanity itself. I watched their passage in a daze. Idly, I wondered how my mess of limbs might be categorised by a spectator of this cavalcade. This line of inquiry went nowhere. According to the pamphlet that, crumpled and defaced, still just about survived in a pocket in front of my seat, this carriage in particular held seventy-six seats. Of these, I estimated that about sixty-two were occupied – though I wasn’t quite sure whether to classify a seat on which a handbag or small child had been placed as ‘occupied’. This meant that, on a carriage whose seats were unassigned, the gentleman who had sat next to me had decided to do so not out of necessity but out of choice. There were, at the very least, fourteen other options of seat and, by extension, fourteen other seat-fellows he could’ve made. Why, I naturally thought, me? Did something in my elegant air call to him in a voice of calm authority: this is a chap you should sit next to? Did he notice something in my debonair way of sitting? My habit of humming the opening to Duke Ellington’s In a Sentimental Mood? What of my outward being reached out to him and brought him to my side? Just as I thought to ask him any one of these questions, the gentleman stood up and made for the toilet at the south end of the carriage. I would not see him for the remainder of the journey.

Somewhere past Utica – I think my old piano teacher once lived there – I engineered myself out of my seat and made a short pilgrimage to the restaurant car. The phrase ‘restaurant car’ is perhaps an overly romantic one. This was little more than a vestibule with a pile of assorted chocolate bars and a disaffected young girl stood behind them. I asked her what her name was, not because I particularly cared to know her – I know quite enough people already, I think – but because I felt it likely that nobody else had done so in quite some time. It was Donna. On second thoughts, it may have been Dana. It is one thing to hear someone’s name and another entirely to remember it. In any case, we had a rather meagre conversation which resulted in my acquisition of a shoddily constructed club sandwich and a small bottle of sparkling water. The whole ordeal cost me eight minutes and six dollars. As soon as I felt the money leave my hands on its maiden voyage towards hers, I realised that this was all the money I presently had in the world. That is to say, it was the money I had intended to use on purchasing a ticket for the train I was, at that particular point, already on and had been on for around one-hundred-and-thirty minutes. In that moment, I hoped with a more sincere belief than I had ever before mustered that this club sandwich tasted better than it looked. 

Changing tack as I walked back in the vague direction of my seat, I thought through my possible means to avoid any retribution for my ticket-lessness. My chief idea was that, when the inspector came, I would simply plead ignorance: at the very least of the ticket price, at most of the English language in general. Over my many years of forgetting tickets for various transports, I’d developed a fairly reliable alter-ego as the German tourist Jurgen Voss, whose grandmother’s dying wish was that he visit Lichtenstein – or wherever it was that I’d forgotten to purchase a ticket to or from. Failing this, I might be forced to rely upon my exhaustive quantities of charm and charisma. At school, I was briefly made acting captain of the debating team. This may come in handy, I thought. 

There’s no necessary criterion of evil required for becoming a ticket inspector, but I sometimes wonder whether it doesn’t help. I’m sure, once they disembark and shed their skins, that they are all very nice – if not just simply very unexciting – people with homes and garages and perhaps even dinner waiting for them. I’m sure that a husband or wife will be sitting cross-legged in the kitchen awaiting their return, poised to ask them ‘how was your day?’ only for them to brush the whole nine-to-five off as another in a long, identical procession. To me, however, at this point in my life, they represented nothing short of evil manifest. Turpitude in a suit and tie. 

I slunk back into my original seat, a task made easier by the absence of my hairy friend. The club sandwich – for which I had potentially sacrificed my very freedom – made little impression on me. Indeed, were it not for the slight unease felt in my stomach about ten minutes after consumption, I’m not too sure I would’ve remembered its existence once it had left my immediate eyeline. My kingdom for a sandwich; perhaps not my finest exchange. For a time, I held my head in my hands as though my ignorance of it would make the outside world disappear. Realising that this was likely untrue, I rested my head abruptly against the back of the chair and left my hands to drum a frantic rhythm on my trouser leg. This rhythm was, perhaps, more A Love Supreme than In a Sentimental Mood. The expectation of the ticket inspector was becoming unbearable. His eventual arrival – for I had decided that he was a young man named Samuel – was encroaching on my psyche like a band of guerilla fighters in a small Latin American city-state. My left leg jerked up and down repetitively in a manner suggestive of many small children on a trampoline. It was as though I were trying to operate a bicycle pump unnoticeable to anyone but myself. The paranoid sepia of the carpet was likely the most disgusting thing I had ever borne witness to. Briefly, I thought that I might vomit but decided, on the whole, that this was not the best use of my time. I screwed up my eyes and clenched my hands together. I could not, I did not think, let this spectral ticket inspector get the better of me. No, I repeated, no, I would triumph, I would win. I sat back in my chair with a notion of relaxed gravitas. It is a self-evident truth that he who acts as though he has nothing to fear has, indeed, nothing to fear. Consequently, all I had to do was act as though I were the sort of person who would have a second-class train ticket from Buffalo to Poughkeepsie. A simple task. I turned my attention towards the window to my left. The great American countryside was absconding before me in a wild frenzy of colours, predominantly browns and greens, and shapes, largely squares and rectangles. A tree, then a river, a barnyard, a cow – two cows! – an elderly couple on a bench, an elementary school, a bus – a bus crash – an ambulance, a dog, a post office; a world of errant banality subsumed any thoughts of ticket inspectors or the fines they may prescribe. This new persona of mine, the gentleman dandy who rides the railroad as a novelty, had, I thought, broadly dissuaded me from my mania.

Lost in this revery, I did not notice the door at the end of the carriage opening and a squat man in a hat and tie making his entrance. His footsteps fell as raindrops in a bathtub and I persisted in my innocence until it was, as it were, too late. The man poked my right shoulder, just above the clavicle, and asked in an upsettingly offhand way, ‘can I see your ticket?’ I looked at the man for a moment, and him at me, and proceeded to shift my attention towards his silver nametag. His name wasn’t Samuel but Lucius. This was unexpected. I hadn’t a chance to resuscitate Jurgen Voss before I found myself answering plainly, in my own accent. ‘Please forgive me Sir, I’m afraid I spent my ticket money on figure skating lessons.’

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Reviews

Review: After Taste

By Rory McAlpine

What is love? What is this mystifying, often elusive force, shaping and impacting so much of our lives? After Taste, by Katie Procter, is an hour-long performance infused with humour, joy and moments of deeper vulnerability, grappling with this question and offering a moving commentary on love, heartbreak and human connection. 

Juniper (Isabel Bainbridge), in the aftermath of a breakup and with her ambitions to pursue a career as a writer faltering, is feeling lost and lonely in the vastness of the city she has moved to post-university. Her nights see her attempt to fill this void by bringing men back to her room, found on dating apps, club floors, and even introduced by mutual friends. Yet, the sexual encounters that Juniper seeks never come to fruition – instead, she finds herself conversing on love and unpacking its meaning, contemplating on the patriarchy and her struggles transitioning from university life into the world of work. Waking up with the inevitable hangover after these failed flings, Juniper is always met by her best friend Maddie (Robyn Bradbury), whose concern, encouragement and care for Juniper proves to be the much-needed cure. 

Juniper and Maddie are opposites. Juniper’s life is directionless; she feels stagnant, while Maddie, in contrast, is put together, preparing for her morning yoga or discussing the latest health crazes. When Juniper lies hungover in bed, Maddie is bustling around the room suggesting hangover cures and radiating an invasive positivity that initially irritates Juniper but quickly brings a smile to her face. The intimacy of Juniper and Maddie’s friendship is at the centre of the play and is conveyed on stage through not just dialogue but body language, movement and physical touch, with moments of female friendship and care such as Maddie combing through Juniper’s hair or cleaning up her room and bringing her food, taking on the role of a motherly figure. 

Each man brought back to her bedroom exposes Juniper to a different view of love. One awkward encounter ends up with her playing scrabble and discussing the view that love is a talking quota, that your relationship lasts only as long as you have things to say to one another. Another night, an overconfident, narcissistic man talks about how monogamy is outdated, whilst a man with a particularly mathematical mind talks about the probability of finding love in a room full of people. All these conversations ultimately converge on the question of whether they believe in soulmates, and all try to disabuse Juniper of this notion, claiming: No, there is no single person for someone, no fated love in the stars. Yet that is ultimately Juniper’s view of love: the existence of soulmates. 

All these different views of love are brought up when the final man she meets in her room is her ex-boyfriend, and they talk through what led to the disintegration of their relationship, with Juniper subconsciously slipping into conversation the ‘talking quotas’ and mathematical probabilities. Against this backdrop of men that come and go with divergent views on love, there is a constant – interwoven through these episodes is Maddie and Juniper’s relationship. One that is genuine and built not on romantic love but deeper friendship. If one believes in soulmates, Maddie and Juniper exemplify this. This realisation is one that Juniper gradually comes to understand. 

The performance incorporates sparing but thoughtful use of props, lighting, and set. The passing of time is effectively indicated by characters changing the pages of the calendar in Juniper’s room, while scene changes are accompanied by purple lights and pulsating music, marking clear distinctions between different moments. The use of a screen to project a montage of photos and videos documenting Maddie and Juniper’s friendship is a particularly moving moment, intensified by the differing medium. 

After Taste is a delightful original script that holds at its heart the powerful message that life and love are messy and complicated. Yet, we should not allow this fixation on romantic love to cause us to lose sight of the fact that love has many guises and that the love born of friendship can be equal, if not more fulfilling.