Categories
Poetry

A Railway Trilogy

By Rohan Scott

 

Ticket to Ride

 

It’s ten past nine.

The morning sun is still cloaked in her clouded gown.

 

 

Traipsing up the steps,

Shuffling past weary smokers,

I approach one the petites portes of the colonnade,

Before being swallowed up by Empire frontage.

 

Now under the canopy of rusting ribs, I am enveloped by a chorus of chatter

Incoherent announcements sound across the hall

My sullen eyes scan as my tired bones creak,

The languor of the morning has been rudely interrupted.

 

A scene of anxious voyagers unfolds before me:

People scuttle across the floor, 

mothers shepherd their children, 

tourists trundle their baggage.

The seemingly lost are then soon found,

Whilst the sloth-like are then suddenly forced to scramble.

 

Amidst this flurry, pressings of caffeine permeate the air,

Mixed in is the buttery waft of pastry.

I pause my senses to interpret the abacus of departures.

 

Taking directions towards the mooring of the steel serpent

I join the tide of passengers lumbering along this landed jetty

Studying the numbered portals, before reaching my station.

 

I mind the gap and then unshoulder my effects.

I then squeeze past my newfound neighbour,

And nestle into seat 643.

 

 

Rolling Anaesthesia 

 

Upon the timetabled minute, the iron horse gracefully shunts out of her vaulted burrow.

She ambles through industrial edifices, trots by postcard scenes before building to a gallop.

 

Metropolitan facades begin to flicker until they dissolve out of sight. 

Suburbia is swiftly replaced by the visual delights of rolling pasture.

 

My eyes sift through darting morsels:

Grazing livestock and hedgerows.

Winding becks and solitary oaks.

Church spires and cookie cutter clouds.

 

The motion picture of countryside, an optical lullaby that soothes the insatiable mind –

One last blink, then I am lulled asleep

 

 

Crossing the Thar

 

I peel my arm away from my vinyl bed

Glued by sweat,

The swelter keeps me in a permanent state of damp.

 

Triggered by an unwelcome touch,

I swat at a fly, palpating on my thigh. 

 

The dry currents of air shunted through my window do little to stave off the heat.

The ever-growing lagoon on my back juxtaposes the barren desert landscape.

My companion drowsy from the scorch, dozes whilst saline beads roll off his brow.

 

The atmospheric fever holds me down, too weary to read a verse, too sapped to raise a pen.

Even my tepid water tastes of desert sand, it does little to satiate my discomfort.

 

The inhospitable palomino landscape is scattered with fatigued spinneys of desert shrub. 

The wagon rattles through this hellish landscape, inviting those warm gusts.

My awe for this sand swept plain is fickle, soon the character of the intrepid and adventurous 

quickly folds.

 

As I wallow in a pool of sweat, I yearn for modern comforts. 

My loathing of this morbid environ grows,

My fantasies blend into hallucinations, 

Until I join my companion,

In the realm of the unconscious.

Categories
Culture

Anaïs Nin: Sex and the Dramatisation of the Self

By Maisie Jennings

In her diary, Anaïs Nin compares herself to a trapeze artist, suspended between two bicoastal marriages in a spectacular aerial performance across America. It isn’t difficult to imagine her in flight. Photographs of Nin depict a dazzling woman with long, pencilled eyebrows framing the dark eyes of a French film star. I’m always struck by the glamorous minutiae of her appearance, and it seems to me, that, more than anything, Nin embodies the performer tip-toeing across the taught line of the self – of its concealment and expression. 

The image of the balancing act occurs again in her novel, A Spy in the House of Love, part of Nin’s aptly named five book collection Cities of the Interior. It is a book entirely about secrecy; the fragility of its maintenance, and the terror of discovery. Sabina, the adulteress, lives in constant fear that she ‘could fall from this incandescent trapeze on which she walked’. The trapeze bifurcates every part of Sabina’s life like piercing a mirror, and it propels a kind of schizophrenia that shatters her sense of a singular, unified self. In a moment of reflection, Sabina sees ‘no Sabina, not ONE, but a multitude of Sabinas lying down yielding and being dismembered, constellating in all directions and breaking’. 

Nin expresses Sabina’s multiplicity of self through her sexual encounters. Indeed, sex is the sensual arena in which Sabina negotiates her selfhood. With every lover she takes, Sabrina is briefly able to control the splitting of her identity as, like an actress or a spy, she crafts her allure, she becomes desire. For these careful transformations, Nin provides accompanying music to Sabina’s sexual vignettes: Debussy’s “Ile Joyeuse”, “Clair de Lune”, Wagner’s “Tristan und Isolde”, and Stravinsky’s “The Firebird”. The effect is heady, thrusting, trembling – the sex that Sabina pursues is orchestral and baroque in its intensity, and she surrenders to it. It is what Nin deems ‘a moment of wholeness’ in which Sabina’s self is subsumed by the rhythms and movements of desire. There is an almost atavistic quality to this passion:

‘They fled from the eyes of the world, the singer’s prophetic, harsh, ovarian prologues. Down the rusty bars of ladders to the undergrounds of the night propitious to the first man and woman at the beginning of the world, where there were no words by which to possess each other, no music for serenades, no presents to court with, no tournaments to impress and force a yielding [..] but only one ritual, a joyous, joyous, joyous impaling of a woman on a man’s sensual mast’. 

Sabina’s performances of her multiple selves, her dark cape and shadowed eyes, the flimsy gossamer of her trapeze, all dissipate with the ecstasy of sex. In many ways, Nin liberates herself from patriarchal literary conventions, anticipating the Sexual Revolution by embodying her work – she ‘endows words with flesh and blood’ as she subjectivises taboo female sexuality. Here, it is crucial to understand that the distinctly female perspective Nin embodies within her work is her own. To me, Nin’s novels and diaries represent an early form of autofiction – they retain an ambiguously fictional level, allowing the author to manipulate episodes of her own life through the constructed insertion of her self as a character or heroine. In A Spy in the House of Love, Nin writes Sabina to inhabit the portrait she constructs of herself in her diaries. She uses Sabina to reveal aspects of her infidelities, as well as concealing any autobiographical details through the nebulous and labyrinthine distortions of Sabina’s mind. There are only fragments of New York, recollections of an interwar Paris we might connect to Nin’s affair with Henry Miller, and the maritime locations of Provincetown and New Jersey that resist factual readings through Nin’s oblique narrative style. 

After her death in 1977,  Nin was exposed –  a ‘consummate liar’ whose body of work encapsulates her need for meticulous, artful self-invention. In her obituary in the New York Times, she was listed as being survived by her husband, the wealthy banker Hugo Guiler. In the Los Angeles Times, her husband was listed as Rupert Pole, an actor nearly twenty years her junior. Contemporary feminists reviled Nin’s bourgeois proclivities; she was a 20th century Madame Bovary, and, after the publishing of her erotic collections Delta of Venus and Little Birds, a dollar-a-page pornographer.  

I think it is both impossible and irrelevant to attempt to reduce Nin to either the merciless upper-crust adulteress or the impenetrable feminist sexual pioneer. Whether she wrote to seek some kind of absolvement, or to bring into being a new world of feminine erotic literature is also beside the point. For me, Nin is best understood in her own words: ‘We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection’. Certainly, Nin, by careful construction and insertion, explores all the tastes and sensations of a vivid erotic life.

Categories
Creative Writing Uncategorized

Overripe

By Muna Mir

‘You know I hated you when we first met.’ 

The confession excites me slightly. We’re walking through an overgrown field by the river. Something touches my leg. It’s grass. Everything around us is grass. Long and overgrown, too early in the season to be cut, but trying so desperately to get there that it reaches up and tickles the tender spot behind my knees. It’s grass but I swat at it anyway. I can’t remember meeting Flora. I’m walking behind her now, watching the brown tips of her hair turn golden in the sunlight. 

‘What changed?’ I ask. 

‘I’m not sure,’ she replies. 

Before we became friends I hadn’t thought that Flora had known of me at all. Tracing the inception of our friendship was one of our favourite pastimes. Neither of us could pin down quite when it had happened, less so why, only that we were happy it did. It seemed to me that one day the sun had risen and we had woken up intimately connected to one another. That was all. Our tentative colloquialisms had turned into knowing glances and we became a pair. I couldn’t imagine how it had ever been otherwise. I wouldn’t survive severance. 

But Flora must have known me before. She may not have known my name, or my favourite film, or the two colours of nail polish she now knew I kept under my sink, but she’d known me enough to hate me. A thrill rushes through me. I watch the way her hand trails the high stalks of grass. When the adrenaline ebbs, it is replaced by a warm pool in my stomach, like beer, sloshing gently. ‘I suppose we began actually speaking and then something clicked.’ 

‘I think you’re right,’ I say. But I can’t remember it happening. It feels like I should be able to remember the exact moment with sound (the signing of a contract, the clicking close of a pen), but I can’t. She stops suddenly and turns around. 

‘Sorry. That was kind of a shitty thing to say.’ 

I shake my head. It was. It doesn’t matter. 

‘You know I love you, right?’ 

I nod. Her eyebrows are furrowed and cast shadows across her eyes. 

The warmth in my stomach has grown sickly. I get this sometimes. Always with Flora. It’s greed, I think, the way my body floods with warmth every time she does something she has to apologise for. Symbolic of scales tipping in my favour. Or an indicator that I still have some chance at self-preservation. Or maybe it’s some perverse greed: happiness wrought from the knowledge that I have any ounce of power over her. It’s times like this that I think about ending things. A voice inside of me screeches that it would be impossible, but I know that isn’t true. I could do it. I could stop talking to Flora, and after a while she would fade into memory. I could work until Flora was just a combination of sounds in my head. ‘I love you too,’ I say, and I mean it. 

I think she might kiss me then but she turns back around and I’m left to stare at the gold flecks of light in her hair again. 

We’re going to a field somewhere. Somewhere pretty, I’ve been told. Flora had found it (a small copse of trees) on her own a few weeks ago. She told me that when she did all she could think of was sitting there with me. I don’t know if I believe this. I think it more likely that she found it with Eoin and doesn’t want to tell me. I don’t really care. Not in any way that matters, anyway. 

The last remnants of what could reasonably be considered a path disappeared twenty minutes ago, and if I turn around to search for where we came from the grass stretches on forever. The grass goes on forever. I can’t tell if we’re trespassing—the fields around us are untended and wild, but I can’t imagine any plot this large having the privilege of being in disuse. I don’t know how Flora is keeping track of where we are and I haven’t asked how long the walk is going to take. 

Did I want to go on a walk with her? she’d asked me the day before.

We’d been lying on her bed watching a film. 

Sure. 

I watch now as she pushes aside dry branches and prickly leaves, leaving a small trampled trench for me to walk in. Behind me the grass stitches itself back together so that it seems we were never there. I can’t tell if she really was about to kiss me or if I had just been thinking about it. Too many seconds have passed since it happened and now I can’t think of it in any clarity at all. The more I replay the split-second the more it gets worn and fuzzy, the more I deceive myself into believing what my mind wants to remember. 

I think about kissing Flora a lot. It’s happened before. For a while I thought that meant that it would have to happen again. I’m not so sure anymore. Quite often I can’t tell if I want it to or not. I suppose the answer is I do, but I can’t tell what that would mean. I’m not sure what I would want it to. Flora’s stopped to examine something in the grass by her feet. I stare at the way her hair falls over her shoulders as she bends down. A piece of it falls into her eyes and the urge to push it back twists some tender spot in my gut. It’s that realisation. The one I keep having again and again and again

It first hit me a few weeks ago. We were sitting in a booth at the Two Foxes. It was colder then, it had been raining for weeks. It was still that period of false spring where flowers are drowned instead of raised. We were celebrating something, but I can’t quite remember what. I think Flora had handed in an essay she’d been slaving over. I hadn’t seen her much lately. 

I had begun to notice that it was always like that. I’d live inside her skin for a week, then left abandoned for just as long, stuck trying to remember how to stay warm on my own. It was then, lying in my bed in the dark that I’d think about ending things. It couldn’t go on for any longer, I wouldn’t let it. But I always did. Eventually the sun would come out and Flora’s hair would turn golden and that colour would wash onto the rest of my life. Maybe that was how it was always going to be. 

But that night we were sitting in the back of the Two Foxes and it was raining out. The windows were frosted with condensation, and the table we were at, all the way at the back of the pub, was sticky. My head had already become heavy and was lolling into my hand. 

We had spent the past ten minutes laughing hysterically at something Eoin had said to her the other day. I can’t remember exactly what it was now, and even if I could it wouldn’t be half as funny. I couldn’t tell if she really liked Eoin even though they’d been going out for over two months. I still can’t. He was texting her intermittently the whole evening. It was never about anything important, none of it was particularly witty either, but I think, if anything, that’s what she likes about him. He seems to always need her for no reason at all. 

I thought about that while we were sitting there. I thought about Eoin and Flora and how long she would entertain him before she got bored. I thought about me and Flora and how long it would take before the glamour wore off and we no longer knew each other. I thought about forever sometimes, infrequently, and not there in the pub. I thought about how my memories would change if I grew alongside someone instead of away from them. 

I suppose my drink was wearing off because suddenly I could sense that I had grown estranged from the whole evening. As if in a flood of cold water, I became wary of the fact that I had begun vying for Flora’s attention. I couldn’t tell when it had happened and it was only in the gap in our conversation that I noticed how the sensation grew. It was silly, and I tried to squash it down. Eoin had just called her. This wasn’t rare. There was always a fifty-fifty chance that she would pick up the phone, or that I’d be spared the interaction. Her eyes would gloss over the caller ID swiftly before she’d turn the phone over and continue talking to me as if nothing was happening. I liked it best when she did that. It thrilled me and warmed me and made me feel special. This time she had picked up. It had been a quick call. A short

parade of words: ‘Yes,’ and ‘Of course,’ and ‘That sounds good,’ before ‘Okay, I’ll see you then. Yeah… okay bye,’ and she’d hung up. 

It wasn’t anything important. She’d apologised, made him seem like a nuisance, and apologised again. Still, some scab had been scratched, and I could feel myself unravelling. I hated that I wasn’t mad or irritated. I was bleeding desperation and if I didn’t end things soon this sickness would become visible. Her hair was falling over her face as she looked down at her phone. My stomach ached. I could feel a curtain drawing closed between us. I gulped down the remnants of my drink and mumbled about going to use the bathroom. 

I gripped the sink and turned on the faucet. For a moment I stood there and listened to the water run. I closed my eyes and then thought I might fall over and opened them once more. Letting the cold water run over my wrists, I watched my chest move in the mirror as I breathed. I have to end things, something squeaked, I don’t want to do this any longer. In the mirror I looked worn out. I pushed my hair behind my ears. My cheeks were heating up, making me look fragile and feverish. 

When I returned to the table I feigned sickness. I needed to go home, I said. We parted outside of the pub and she hugged me tight and told me she’d missed me. Sobering up in the cold, I thought about never speaking to Flora again. 

We’ve reached the grove now, a grassy patch between high fields. She sits down and squints up at me. She stretches a hand up to drag me down and I let her. There are plums growing on the trees, some unlucky fruit already scattered around our feet. Sickly sweet for a moment before they begin to rot away. Summer will be the end of it and when everything is done I will be emptied entirely. It was never going to be any different. 

She leans her head on my shoulder. In the month before summer, I think of ending things.

Categories
Culture

A visit to Charleston House

By Lydia Firth

Having recently moved to Sussex, I was excited by the prospect of rolling hills, proximity to London, and new cultural hotspots. Charleston House quickly made my list of places to visit. Charleston was the home and studio of the painters Vanessa Bell and Duncan Grant, and it became a meeting point for the Bloomsbury Set: a group of artists, intellectuals, writers, and philosophers in early 20th century England. Frequent visitors to the house included Virginia Woolf and her husband Leonard, alongside the great E.M. Forster. The house itself is positioned among a truly novelistic English garden full of dahlias and drooping trees in the orbit of a pond laden with lily pads. Perhaps it was just the haziness of the hot September day on which I visited, but it felt quite genuinely magical.

For magpie-minded individuals like me, the house is an absolute treasure trove of stunning interiors and objects. Each room is so delightfully curated and reflects the Bloomsbury group’s originality and collaboration. No surface is left untouched, and each object is handcrafted. The side of the bath is adorned with a painting of a reclining nude; fired in the house’s own kiln, the kitchen sink tiles are painted with pink silky fish; a lampshade made from a painted colander pleasantly throws out gentle stripes of light; rugs lay supine and hand-tied in a myriad of colours. A bust of Virginia Woolf casually placed in a bedroom window reminds me of the time she spent here. 

Above and below the window of Bell’s old bedroom, Grant elegantly depicted both a cockerel and the family’s lurcher to wake her in the morning and guard her by night. This epitomises the consideration put into the design of their home – it exists as a little in-joke between the couple, as well as being ornamental.

There is precision in the artistic curation from room to room: the colour palette melds the house together in one harmonious aesthetic, punctuated by the consistent display of Bell and Grant’s paintings throughout. As well as seeming calculated, the design retains its spontaneity in both the freehand murals which cover doors, chairs, bedheads, and the thin washes of warm-toned paints which coat walls, brushstrokes peeking through. It could be described as ‘interior design nonchalance’: colours, shapes, and patterns obviously came very naturally to the residents. There is a surprising sense of the contemporary, and the textiles, colour palette and adorned furniture remind me of the likes of Oliver Bonas and Anthropologie. Writer and curator Charlier Porter points out the irony “that Charleston inspires stuff that gets mass-produced, because what the house asks you to do, always, is to think for yourself.” 

Whilst the house is preserved exactly as it was, the space remains dynamic. An unpainted pelmet may appear tomorrow with a little floral flourish, for example. The lack of stagnation speaks to their authenticity and reflects their ideology. Grant himself was originally drawn thereto because the agricultural work that the house implied his part in made him exempt from conscription from WWI – perhaps a literal lifeline for the conscientious objector. Furthermore, it meant that the visitors of Charleston’s unconventional and often intertwining romantic lives were able to play out in what was a counter-cultural refuge from London life. Dorothy Parker quipped that the Bloomsbury Group “lived in squares, painted in circles, and loved in triangles”. The house could almost be seen as one of the members of the group: it feels like both a companion and a living representation of their dislike for convention. Indeed, the level of detail employed on every surface and in every corner cements it as an externalisation of their ethos.

I urge you to visit and enjoy this submersion into 20th century artistic living.

Categories
Perspective

Useless to think you’ll park and capture it more thoroughly

Edward Bayliss

You are neither here nor there,

A hurry through which known and strange things pass

As big soft buffetings come at the car sideways

And catch the heart off guard and blow it open.

(“Postscript”, Seamus Heaney)

Excuse my crude misuse of the English language, but to see something’s beforeness, duringness, and afterness in the space of a few seconds is beautiful. To have its shape, its colour, and its detail, all at the mercy of distance and speed is beautiful. Some things are better seen fleetingly, in a moment, in a movement. 

Here in “Postscript”, Heaney celebrates the pleasures of driving, or more particularly, the pleasures that the car windows afford. He feels the welcome impact of ‘big soft buffetings’ that ‘come at the car sideways’. These buffetings are images of objects seen through the vehicle windows, shifting and turning as the car sweeps along the Flaggy Shore of County Clare. I say images, because what Heaney sees are different representations of the object, and never the simple fact of the object itself. 

Heaney is ‘neither here nor there’, almost as though he is driving at night. It feels exciting but also dreamy and unreal. Things are ‘known and strange’; we might imagine salt, rain, and grass on the air, playing against each other in an eddy of aromas. And, what about depth of view? It seems silly to say, but a hedgerow immediately beside the road (in the foreground, if you like) appears as a blurred flash of green and grey, pleasingly anonymous to us. Something further away, say a house nearer the horizon, moves more slowly on its conveyor belt, is seized more easily by our sight. First, we see its red brick, grey slate gable for a second, then its East facing façade comes into view – maybe it has round windows, or a gutter hanging loose from last night’s wind. Last, we see a packed dirt path moving from its porch into a well tilled field – the sum of all these parts painting a greater and more intriguing picture, a picture that shifts and surprises. 

It’s at the overlap of craft and chance that the ‘heart is caught off guard and blown open’. You have the constant and intelligent movement of you and the car treading tarmac in a regular rhythm – one that we’re all too familiar with. Your feet press at the pedals, while your fingers snatch at indicator arms and gear shifts. Then we look to the outside, to this assemblage of images which grow and shrink, dancing in curious patterns; all dependent on their place on the plain. This is the ‘chance’ or the coincidental, with the former being the ‘craft’. Fantastically, this seems to me to hold a mirror to Heaney’s poetic method. In an essay for The Guardian, Heaney once said:

‘I think the process is a kind of somnambulist encounter between masculine will and feminine clusters of image and emotion.’

This masculine will is both metaphorically and literally the ‘vehicle’ on which the feminine clusters of image (shifting objects on our plain of vision) ride. And this car isn’t the futurist Marinetti’s ‘roaring motor-car which seems to run on machine-gun fire… hurled along earth’s orbit’; it’s existence is more dependent. It doesn’t attack Heaney’s countryside; it absorbs it, just as you do.  

Your eyes never land squarely on an object as its edges aren’t fully there – they tilt and blur as you move past them. The form of a tree might fold into dozens of different shapes in a constantly altering state of animation. Its limbs bend and contort and cut the sky at changing angles. This is a stunning quality that is so often overlooked, and one that can only be seen in so small a span of time. 

Better than staring at a dead end object ad infinitum, I think. 

Too often we stare too long and too hard at things – let’s watch pictures play on their plains. That’s why it’s ‘useless to think you’ll park and capture it more thoroughly’. So, let the scenes outside the car window wobble on your palm, if only for a second, and we might then enjoy a fuller and brighter picture from the passenger seat. 

Categories
Poetry

October

By Esme Bell

This gold afternoon tastes of crying – 

A scalded throat caught in hoar-frost

Breath and last-time wistful sun. Leaves, day, 

Year – all wryly clench their trembling chin, 

Strong as the sky, who veils her damp eyes 

In gulping cloud. Like Persephone, 

They know the end: feel the pricking

Of pitiless stars and the canine 

Leanness of watchful early dusk. 

We walk back under this mourning,

These plaintive funeral jewels –

And we are glad, we say, to reach home.

Categories
Creative Writing

Portrait

By Rory McAlpine

It consumes you, a dinner party such as this. You become no longer a person but an omnipresent host. You are the hands serving canopies and topping up delicate champagne flutes. You are the decorator and the entertainment; the gentle smiles and the “lovely to see you again” and “how is the family” and “how was the summer, it was France wasn’t it, where you went?” And the laughter, the flirting with the men – but tasteful – because you have a husband, and the smiling. You are even the weather. I have learned that the only way to ensure others’ happiness at these events, it seems, is one’s own deep unhappiness. But only if that unhappiness is hidden from sight. 

Henry and I had hired staff for the event, naturally. But the bodies do not matter. Still, I feel the responsibility, still the weight of everything all at once grinding me to the earth. Atlas should pity me. What is the weight of the world when I must shoulder this dreadful dinner party? 

The candles are being toyed with by the warm evening breeze, and every one that flickers I feel a flicker in my breast. They must remain lit. It would be on me if one was to extinguish. Henry had insisted on a garden party. And a lovely garden we have, gently sloping down from the house to level out towards the cliff. It is full of flower beds and old bowed trees, statues and benches and an herb garden. There are olive trees and oleander, pomegranate, and paper flowers. The colours are best at this time of year, vibrant and fully realised. Then once you reach the edge of the garden out over the cliff, is the sea. 

People are jealous because of it. They would never breathe a word of it. Yet when they come round and step out of our French windows and see the view, even if they have seen it a thousand times, I see that flash of jealousy in their eyes. It feels unfair to them that someone could possess such a view. Money cannot buy it; I imagine that is part of the problem. It is the one thing that our guests, women and the men alike (friends I suppose I should call them) are unable to have. Sure, they have beautiful views from their own homes, but it is like placing a Picasso beside the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. Both are beauty incarnate, but one is mortal, and one belongs to the realms of heaven. 

“How is Reuben?” Daphne brightens as I ask, her hands are moving like spiders across her high neck dressed in the lavender shawl and bulbous pearls that she has a habit of fiddling with. I would slap her hands away, but now that wouldn’t be proper, would it. “Oh Reuben, yes he is back for his second term at college at present. He is studying in Britain; I think I may have mentioned it; he reads Arabic. I look at the symbols and despair but my boy he just gets it. Really it is a wonderous thing to witness”. I nod my head; my neck is stiff and sore already. I sip the white wine, it is French. It sharpens me, the crisp alcohol. “Children, they do amaze us”. 

I pass our pond; it is freshly stocked with fish for the occasion. Their golden scales dart below the lily pads and lotuses, like glimmers of sunlight that have been left behind. The sky is fast darkening. Sparks leap into the air as some of the servants shovel more coal onto the large fire pits that are placed around the garden. Coal does not smoke like wood, and the pits were raised so any smoke will waft high above the guests. It would be unimaginable for smoke to mingle with the mix of perfumes, scented candles, colognes, and flowers that are being rolled together in the sea air. 

I watch my husband at the far end of the garden, over the pinkish oregano flowers beside the olive and lemon trees that we had planted only last year. They were so slender, those olive trees, they would so easily snap. Given time they would grow strong. Or alternatively; break. He is talking to someone. I cannot see her face but the short cut blonde hair and green flowing dress tight in all the right places is enough for me to know. My husband takes her hand to help her up the steps to the garden’s upper tiers. I feel my hand squeeze the glass stem and breathe deeply.
In and out. In.
It was weighing heavier now. This whole evening. The throb in my temple was worse. I answered it with another delicate sip from my delicate glass.
And out
I want sea air. I walk down through the tiers of the garden. Nodding politely, smiling. “Lovely evening, isn’t it?” I am like water, slipping unimpeded across and around stones. The stones; my guests. I reach the edge of the garden and sit on the simple wooden bench I had placed here so long ago now. I can hear the waves crashing below. In the same way rocking a baby soothes it, the sea was my mother calming me in her swell and tide.
In and out. 

The background behind me: beautiful people, beautifully dressed, in my beautiful garden. The band has begun to play, and their gentle strumming and opening notes waft down to my ears. The dying daylight casts everything in a rich honey hue. This was my beautiful life: the sophisticated parties full of lawyers and bankers and government ministers. The holidays, just a few weeks ago I had returned from St Tropez. I sat on the boards of foundations and charities; my photo appeared in the press catching me at just the right angle. I had raised three children who were polite and excelling in their respective fields. Then I had my husband, the man who held the art world in his hand, a God that could mould critics and public opinion to his will. His art hangs in galleries across Europe and the US. Reviews of his recent exhibitions never failed to allude to not only his work but his handsome face and charm. The man himself was admired in journals almost as much as his paintings. He had the world enthralled, adoration and jealousy of his life and success, culminating to create a fervent worshipping. And I had that sea view. The entire world in front of me, the sea a gateway to countries afar. What an ironic view to have from a cage. A gilded cage, with glass bars. But nonetheless, a cage. 

I didn’t know what love was when I met Henry. I thought I loved him. He was older, successful, good looking and interested in me. But it wasn’t love, I was dazzled by him, just like the rest of the world. Once we married that bright light quickly faded, and the ugly darkness was left to seep back in. There was the Henry everyone saw, the artist with the house and the powerful friends and the idyllic life. But that was just a façade. A façade I was to play my own part in. On his arms at the galas and balls I was just like his Italian suits or Swiss watches, the right accessory to make the right picture. A doting, pretty wife to hang off his arm. Henry was a celebrated artist, but his greatest painting was his own life. He had planned the composition, the shading, the elements so they looked beautiful. Makeup to mask the ugly truth. 

There were the affairs, the harem of young women that would wander half naked through my living room while I ate breakfast. In the beginning, occasionally he would welcome me back to his bed when it suited him, I would hope each time he was returning to me, but it was never for long. Then there was the drinking, he was a mean and scornful man made worse by alcohol. I was left to do everything, at his beck and call night and day, more servant than wife. He would at one point insult me, at another profess his love for me. I would often open the door to a different Henry then the one I had left. 

When we first met, I had told him I wanted to be a writer. He had encouraged me then, and read my stories. He said he knew friends in publishing, people who could help me. But our marriage changed that. He became dismissive of my work, he discouraged me from it. “Why spend your time with silly words,” he said. He had a place for me at one of his friends’ charities, somewhere I could make a real change. So, I joined these boards, but soon learned I was to be a pretty face for the press photos and nothing more, do not speak dear just smile. So, the truth of my beautiful life was that it was hollow, there was no substance to it. You wonder why I stay. Why does any prisoner stay in a locked cell? I had married a God in the eyes of the world, I had everything a woman could want, and the ancient Greeks will tell you what happens when you make an enemy of a spiteful God. They destroy you. 

I don’t know when people began to leave our party. I think some came over to thank me. I am sure all of them thanked my husband. Henry who did little more than turn up, showered with praise for months of work by his wife. I think I missed the point where I became an extension of him. I lean against the railing, it was designed by a sculptor friend, large looping curves of iron that form the wings and bodies of birds in different stages of flight. The final laughter of the guests departs the house, the fires dim and for the first time I feel the chill of the night begin to set in. 

A hand wraps around my waist.
I breath: in and out.
I can smell the alcohol on his breath, the perfume of the pretty woman in the tight dress on his jacket.
In.
Like Jekyll and Hyde, Henry is a collection of identities. An actor playing every part in the
play.
The kiss on my cheek
Out.
My husband.
In.
“Come to bed.” the words are slightly slurred.
He wanted everything. He could have everything. I was always his wife, but he could pick and choose when he deigned to act like a husband.
In and out, in, out, in.
I tear myself away. My headache echoes the thundering of my heart. I throw the delicate wine glass from my hand and watch Henry twist out the way as it shatters. “I can’t do this,” the words rip at my vocal cords, my anger is a physical thing clawing its way up my throat. “I won’t.”  

Before he can react, I continue. The floodgates are open. Maybe it’s the wine, maybe the stress. I have opened, no, smashed, Pandora’s Box.
“God, Henry, can you not see we live in an illusion?”
We stare at each other. The thread holding everything together is unwinding itself before our eyes. I see the anger cloud his eyes, but I am too riled to understand the warning signs. This night has broken me. I have been holding the pieces of me together for so long.
“And you know the problem with illusions Henry – they aren’t real.”

Henry moves across the grass; his movement is so quick my anger dissolves to fear. He is inches from me. His cigar smoke, a hand that slides over my mouth. My voice is choked. “Illusions are only false when you stop believing in them.” Henry says, his voice is quiet. The tip of his cigar flares red. “If you believe in the illusion, if you live in it. What does truth matter, it is irrelevant. The illusion becomes what is real.” 

I stare at him. He is so calm. No, not calm, dead. Dead behind the eyes. He has no emotion towards me. It would be better if he screamed, if he called me every name under the sun, rather than this. “Just think if someone owns a golden statue. That everyone treats as gold, admires as gold, buys as if gold. Well then, if the truth is that the statue is tin painted yellow. Does it really make any difference?” He tosses the stump of his cigar over the railings and the glowing spark is engulfed by the dark waters below. “No, it doesn’t. Because regardless of what the statue is made of; it is gold my dear”. 

Trust an artist to love appearances. 

His eyes are inches from mine. If this was a love story we would be poised to kiss. To the servants from the house, it most likely looked like that. But this was not a love story. 

“One doesn’t leave a man like me,” Henry says, his voice isn’t threatening, but the words are sharp as knives. “Why give up all this? Because if you leave me, make no doubt I will ruin you. The stories I will tell, the people I will talk to, the favours I will pull.” Henry takes my hand. The wedding band he still wears is icy against my skin.
“Live in the illusion darling. It really is such a beautiful one. You have the house and the children, the fancy events, the money, me as a husband. If you let it be real, then does the truth really matter?” 

My necklace. It is so heavy. The emerald that hangs from it, a dropped anchor. I cannot move, I cannot leave. I dissolve into his arms. 

Categories
Culture

Martyrdom for a Banner: Heraldry, Heritage, and the Northampton Saints

By Harry Laventure

The title “Visual Identity Review” is a prompt that no sane creature could wish to answer, let alone ruminate on.

It is also the heading for a 22-page document published by none other than the Northampton Saints rugby team as a proem to their newly unveiled logo. Once enclosed, the veritable badger may undergo frisson at a carnival of surveys and experiments curated to articulate the present plight of English domestic rugby, and the acute necessities for individual franchises to save themselves by any panacea possible. For shallow is the clock. Worcester Warriors, London Wasps, and London Irish have already been disposed of alongside the superfluous bloats of PPE; Leicester Tigers and Exeter Chiefs both groped at cash inoculations to survive the pandemic’s debilitations. Precious few of the teams that remain operate at a profit.* As the Saints’ investigation itself purports, less than 1/3 of people can name a Premiership club. Although rugby union is the fourth most followed sport in the country, it doesn’t even make the Top 20 for Gen Z (EY Sports Engagement Index, Nov. 2023). It is perhaps a set of studs rammed to the begging hand to note that one of the larger surveys within the report only garnered 1611 responses. Thus Webb-Ellis’ great game of rough football with fingers wheezes.

In their hour of need, the Saints have built a new cross: a modernised logo. As an appeal to the digital vernacular, the much-simplified shield posits a daffodil yellow skeleton of St. James’ crux to straddle bands of ebony and Heineken green. As such, Northampton recalibrate to align themselves with every sporting franchise from Juventus to the New York Yankees (cited precisely in the report as examples of efficacious branding) in the sleek, sterile new era. Charmingly, the cross itself is derived from the teamwear in the oldest pictures we have of the then St. James Improvement Class, 1884. It is this detail, declares the club, that permits the memory of forefathers whilst preserving the blood for generations of technophants to come. Alas, for this writer, the cost of lost alleles eclipses the cosmetic.

Images courtesy of the Northampton Saints website

A brief twig of aesthetic genealogy. In 1880, a reverend with the nominal bristle of Samuel Wathen Wigg founded the Improvement Class of his St. James Church. Between then and 1951, the Improvement Class would become the Britons, and the Britons would become the Saints, with accompanying palette changes of scarlet strips to the present black, green, and gold. From chrysalis to adult, the team’s students designed arms for their blazers that would endure to this very year. The Northampton Borough heraldry of 1617 was their starting whistle: two lions grin rampant guardant with the proud symmetry of a Dragontail, between them the solitary turret of Northampton Castle. To this, the students added nimbs, wings, the crimson rose of Northamptonshire, and a trinity of scallop shells. In doing so, they demonstrated erudition and tact that is not usually – unfairly – associated with the muddy foot soldiers of fifteen. Indeed, there is density in the detail. Beyond the elements that made saints out of lions, the scallop shells not only refer symbolically to St. James but tap into the heraldic legacy of the Spencer family, who have historically resided in the nearby Althorp Estate. In this fashion, to poach from Burnett and Dennis, ‘fact and fancy, myth and manner, romance and reality’ enjoy exuberant union within a small patch. A grandiose castle of around 1100 CE finds its rhyming couplet with the sketched halos of post-WWII students. Between history’s pomp and shrapnel, there is plucked taut the golden thread of a place eternal and changing. This is the story of all heraldry, and the martyrdom to which it has glumly plodded for the best part of two centuries is painfully indicative of a recent malady in our attitudes to communication.

Image courtesy of the Northampton Saints website

The Old French hiraudie (deriv. Frankish, Hariwald) animates the imagery of chivalry and other anachronisms by association and fact. A form of identification card for the budding noble combatant, the home-and-away strip of knightly tournaments provided a defensive canvas for the exhibition of lineage, location, and claimed attribute. It is this vast well of opportunity in expression, aesthetic and figurative, that made heraldry a kind of practical art. The bolster of the aristocrat becomes the banner of the company – a charring claim to individuality in the collective of the militant mind. It is a cheap trick of the tongue to note the importance of a topic by citation of its own scholarship, but humour me to direct you towards the contents of Richard Blome’s 1685 The Art of Heraldry. From bordures charged to labells, ineschocheons to orles, fesses to celestials, and four chapters dedicated to the different postures and parts of lions, it reads more like the ingredients list for amateur incantations than history of art. This visual zest has rendered the topic the branding of childhood lessons on medieval England – the de facto décor of the veteran history teacher. Indeed, it seems only yesterday that I charged down Senlac Hill (the mound of our cricket pavilion) under the handled pinion of Normandy’s double lions. But of heraldry, alas, history has not made a victor. Perhaps it is now the moment to calculate why.

Not just yet. An entertaining but relevant digression comes in G.K. Chesterton’s The Defendant (1901). Nestled between the obdurate esteem of Baby Worship, Nonsense, and China Shepherdesses, the writer finds a nook to document the unfortunate denouement of heraldry in his (now our) times. In light of the newly-ruled illegitimacy of God’s nominated representatives, Chesterton argues, the rhetoric becomes more about dragging down the elite than aspiring to conduct oneself by the expectations of their ranks. So the ‘road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect’ becomes one not taken, in an ironic inflection of snobbishness. The tobacconist finds not a shield for his crossed briar pipes; the cheesemonger no war-cry of Wensleydale. The pictorial ‘suggestion, without naming or defining is rendered extravagance’. And men may argue over the ‘wittiest thing about the spring’ that is theirs to inherit, rather than serve. Indeed, Chesterton proposes that it is the continued use of heraldry that permits pubs to exercise their continued, mysterious attraction (…). How easily nostalgia binds itself to English ink. But not entirely off the mark.

Now, then. Take a gander at the ludicrous excess of the Coat of arms of Baldomero Espartero, Prince of Vergara (1793–1879). Even in an extravagant art form, there are extravagances. Artefacts like this smoothly demonstrate what it means for any piece of art to be imbalanced away from us. It is needlessly overwhelming in what it tries to throw all at once, expecting us not to drop the ball for a moment’s lack of subtext. A reaction of eye-rolling dismissal is not only natural, but justifiable. Because it is natural, it seems right. We are always quicker to note that which inconveniences us. Something that requires more discipline to spot is the imbalance of art at our service, or worse, mercy. That which curries our favour without asking for any form of participation in return is little more than a sycophant’s counsel. I am describing the modern phenomenon of branding. By definition, it is designed to pamper and pander to the lazier instincts of our faculties. Obviously, its only purpose is the successful and swift achievement of your investment. All else is irrelevance – for why would any vendor rely on his customer’s capacity for active evaluation of their product? Neither true commerce, nor free creative expression, heraldry lacks the poise to find a habitat in this landscape. Here we see the true inhospitality of our epoch. 

Duchamp once considered the concept of real artistic meaning as the electrified space between a transmitter (artist) and receiver (audience). At its worst, the martyrdom of heraldry is the parable of a collapse in this traditional mode of exchange. Catalysed by the online medium and the general disenfranchisement of the public on the back of the modern era’s artistic experiments, both sides have failed to keep their perfect tension. To reconfigure to a new (but very, very old) image of the Caduceus, the serpents have lost their rhythm with one another. One, gluttonous and slow, waits to be anaesthetised repeatedly by the fangs of a hyperactive other. In the resultantly anharmonic heap, the golden rod has no centrifuge to hold its salute. This is that space between, and it fell with little more than a metallic twang.

Possibly, the true cynic could go further still. In the traditional mode of doom-mongering, they would suggest that the corrosive attitude bred by the casual proliferation of these commercial transactions is a septic tank slowly bleeding into the water supply. Moreover, you can read it in the disposable nonchalance and sterility of this generation’s architecture, infrastructure, art, and literature. And we might consider the sanding down of ornate Parisian lampposts to the aluminium and glass cuboids of central New York. They may even direct you to a Tiktok contrasting the cornices of Schönbrunn with the tubing of the Centre Pompidou. Rising skirt hems, lowering IQs, and things just aren’t built like they used to be. Let us not stumble into satire with no interesting point but laughter. Here sleaze numerous conflations and generalisations, but the questions they elicit are not entirely unrelated to our symposium. Woven as the theme is with strands of pessimistic nostalgia, I do not think that the commercial tectonics dictating art’s place in our lives have been entirely without condescension as of late. Conf. Banksy. When was the last time you saw a piece of contemporary art that was neither blatant nor untenable to you? Harsh, but fair. Fragrances of these ponders are relevant, others are ludicrous. For now, this punter backs away burnt, and concedes that perhaps the more grandiose abstractions of enquiry are for now to remain like the impacts of the French Revolution. Too soon to say. 

In this mess of pretence, it’s easy to forget that we started on the logo of the Northampton Saints rugby team. If we cannot put the artistic atmosphere of our times to rights over this dilettante’s aperitif, we may at least try to reconcile our introduction. It is a shame, but after all that I do feel we must concede that the Saints’ metamorphosis is evidence of evolution in the truest sense: a shot at survival. Practicalities must, and there is no space for the detailing of a centuries old crest in a profile pic. As mentioned earlier, there are fond anecdotes of the Reverend Wigg’s wife knitting the very same cross of the new logo on the St. James’ Improvement Class teamwear. This essence of approach, regardless of execution, should be admirable to the dustiest of Earl Marshals.  

As for heraldry more generally, it seems all too sadly obvious. In the mid-19th century, Somerset Herald James Robinson Planché despaired to admit that it had been called ‘the science of fools with long memories’. Fond as I am, it now appears self-evident that the truest mystery of any cult’s rites exists only for those already initiated. But this panegyric must refuse to conclude in this key centre. Instead, we may remark that heraldry’s finest lessons and attributes survive in whispers, too subtle in their blatancy to offend. Men still do not ‘argue over the meaning of sunsets’. From the blood-peppered fork of the Zulfiqur, to the three (preferably beer-marinated) lions of an England shirt, the most formidable banners of our histories will survive us. And so, let the obituary conclude with a new definition. One of my favourite poets once determined his work as ‘the movement of a self in the rock’. Surely, if nothing else, this ditty has proven heraldry to be none other than ‘the aspiration of ourselves in the rock’.

*Since this article was written (12th August), seven of the ten Premiership teams have declared that they are balance sheet insolvent.

Categories
Perspective

Starter for 10: An insider’s perspective on University Challenge

By Emilia Brookfield-Pertusini

“Many things might be regarded as the hallmarks of this competition, but the eagerness to embrace change isn’t one of them” – Jeremy Paxman, 2020.

“University Challenge. With your host” … “Bamber Gascoigne” interrupts my father, tea in hand, settling down for some Monday night armchair quizzing. For my father, the host will always be Bamber, whereas I am part of the newly inaugurated Amol generation. We, like thousands of other families, groups of students, and housemates, up and down the country, see each era of University Challenge as part of the Monday night ambience – consistently transmitting throughout the school year, consistently baffling us, and consistently challenging the random pockets of seemingly useless information we have stored away. But how does one graduate from the sofa to the lightbox adorned desk?

The team from Durham University is representing an institution famed for its cobblestone streets, a beautiful array of colleges, and the worst nightclub in Europe. Its recent academics include Joe Ancell, historian, flautist, Greek dictionary, and expert climber; Emilia Brookfield-Pertusini, Elvet Riverside’s noisiest shoe wearer, anti-Dickens advocate, and fashion secretary; Jake Roberts, their captain with a profound ability to store away information on both Dutch masters and long dead physicists; Luke Nash, our physical incarnation of Merlin Bird ID, and enthusiastic social sec; and James Gowers, football trivia coach come step-in Paxman, and reserve player.

 “How many do you reckon you can get?” James asks his grandmother, setting up the competition UC emits into living rooms, each viewer tempted by the allure of the small intellectual victories a correct starter buzz can provide, and “watching to be impressed”, as James reveals, by the spectacle of intelligence and reflexes on display. For a show that has cemented itself in pop culture history for having 14 letter Greek words as answers, being gifted a round that fits your unique knowledge-scape seems almost miraculous – spurring your viewership forward. Post-UC Twitter, a place that has become both coveted and feared by us as our broadcast date draws ever nearer, feeds this excitement, no matter how high or low your score. One thing UC has taught us is to be content with your knowledge and take pride in it. Until a recent shift, the consensus of the show was something, as Luke put, where students in “dodgy fashion and unironed shirts” battled for academic valour with highly classical questions and antiquated answers. Now, however, the academic valour is something to play with, enjoy, and laugh about. Correct answers may not be derived from the most lucid stream of consciousness, you may be reeling the answer in from a vault of facts originated through 1am doom scrolling and not from a sophisticated book, however, “does it really matter where knowledge comes from?”, mulls Jake, “if your answer is still right?” When we, from Jake’s living room during Monday evenings in deep January, buzzed in with a correct answer, we still got to experience that pride and satisfaction that we’ve felt for years watching the show, even with our filming date looming above us. Knowing that your answer to a question derived from an offhand comment from a lecturer, or that the composer of the music round bonus came to you from a Wes Anderson soundtrack, you realise it doesn’t matter at all where knowledge is gathered as any knowledge is celebrated here.

Quizzing prowess is often celebrated in this country with jackpot prizes, rounds of pints, scampi fries, and bragging rights. “It’s quite easy to get yourself involved” according to James. After all, who doesn’t love a pub quiz? The arguments over a sticky pub table over the right answers are “fundamentally intertwined with British pub culture”, says Luke. Mates, UC inclined or simply up for some fun, gather together for some knowledge-based rivalry. The Old Elm Tree became our pre-UC watching haunt, suggested by Luke due to its boast of hosting a challenging pub quiz that confuses both students and professors. For the rest of my team University Challenge wasn’t a graduation from South London pub quizzes, but the next step in their quizzing journeys. Luke and Joe had both been part of competitive quizzing teams at school and met James and Jake at Durham Quizbowl. Imported from America, Quizbowl is a place where the questions are cryptic, varied, and rapidly fired at contestants. Universities face off at large-scale tournaments that attract hundreds of quizzing students, who can be recognised from a UK quizzing leaderboard, featuring alongside Chasers from ITV’s The Chase. “Sport-like quizzing”, as Jake put it, seemed to me like UC on steroids, a far abstraction from the pub quizzes I was familiar with. However, my first visit to Durham’s Quizbowl practice as part of my preparation for the show was a warm welcome into the quiz-world that UC, in part, has helped cultivate. 

When telling people about my imminent airing I’m often eagerly asked “did you win?” and “what do you win?”. Whilst a BBC contract guards the answer to the first question, the latter is nothing, which is often met with confusion. UC offers simply bragging rights, your lightbox nameplate, and a trophy for your institution. Whilst the quiz being televised for the scrutiny of the nation, or your university being reigning champions at the time of filming, does set some lofty expectations, the stakes themselves aren’t high; it’s all for some light entertainment and a good story at the end of it. Quizbowl echoes this friendly form of quizzing, even when the questions are harder than UC ones (difficult to imagine, I know). We laughed over clues that were painfully directed at American players and were nonsense to us, we poked fun at the absurdity of some of the bonus round categories, and we traded tips on how to learn more random points. During filming Jake and Luke recognised many of our competitors, both in the greenroom and on the airing series, from Quizbowl – showcasing the breath of this community, both in knowledge and location. As a nation we love quizzing, and from pubs, schoolrooms, studios, and unoccupied seminar rooms, we know how to have fun with it – something the Amol era of UC has nurtured.

“You are people of ignorance too” responds Paxman to a slightly bemused, slightly terrified team of KCL’s brightest. Paxman approached the “smart ass” teams he was presented with with the contempt of a Victorian schoolmaster. Unapologetic. Scathing. Formidable. The Paxo era is noted for its presenter’s brazen approach. Being fans of the show, we were unsurprised to hear he would be stepping down, yet looking back, we were all at a loss for who would take his place. No one would be like Paxman. But, the show didn’t need another Paxman. During his later series, more and more questions began to reflect the more diverse university courses on offer, like animation or game design, allowing more students to be included in the game than before, keeping UC in the quizzing zeitgeist.  “Paxman’s snobbery was part of the appeal” confesses Luke. But, “Amol was definitely more welcoming” admits Luke, with Jake adding that “he didn’t have to be so friendly during filming…”.  The show is still fiercely mind boggling, but what we came to realise as our anki-decks piled up by the thousands, is that it is just fun and games – especially when the history of house music round briefly became memed and remixed. Amol asks about mascots and adds in quips about his own favourite musicians and philosophers during filming. Off-camera he talks about his lunch and jokes around with us. The days of stuffy Oxbridge teams in St.Michaels jumpers gifted by their grandmother’s Christmases ago are firmly behind, instead, one could even describe the new UC look as cool, with contestants and presenter alike having as much fun as possible when faced with difficult questions, 5 different cameras, and Roger Tilling’s voice booming around the studio.

***

I signed up for University Challenge, partly, as a joke. During my rather structureless gap-year, University Challenge’s consistent Monday night slot became a weekly marker and something I looked forward to returning to after work. My good friend Olivia had started English Literature at Oxford, and I received an enviable text, ‘Just did the University Challenge application test, I got 11…’. I never anticipated that my desire to send a similar text back, and to laugh about our lacklustre performances of academic rigour, would lead to me texting her ‘I MADE THE TEAM????’. We found out we made the team in the last week before Christmas, each nursing various stages of hangovers and being unable to contain the excitement. “UC kind of felt distant, [something] that just happened on TV, and that other people did” recalls Joe, my fellow Fresher on the team; it had never occurred to us that this is something that people actually applied to do. But now we, being newly inaugurated university students, could be challenged, and so we applied for the written test. Our first challenge would be to find these testing sites. “I couldn’t actually find my way to Mary’s and bumped into Jake who was also a bit lost” admits Ancell. This would become a theme of ours as our team would learn to navigate Manchester train stations, the maze of Media City, and the eternal corridors of the studios whilst all being a bit lost and clouded by the excitement and fear of the questioning that would come.

The “distance” of UC kept us in a perpetual state of amazement. Post-dinner revision slots  in the tucked away desks in St. John’s library, I would look out at the dark Durham sky, depressed with the blues of January, and catch my reflection. An array of flashcards in front of me, of which our collective pile of cards and Ankis reached 8000 –  “is this really happening to me? Am I now a person who is on a show like this?” I still can’t believe it, and neither can the rest of us realise “how the hell”, as Luke put it, got to this point. I probably won’t until I see myself on the TV; the same TV that has projected all those “distant” UC students and stars on a Monday night, will soon bare my face too, and maybe that will make it less distant. The Media City Holiday Inn, our refuge during filming, echoed this distant, start-struck bewilderment down its corporate corridors. We couldn’t believe that Amol Rajan and Roger Tilling (an actual man not just a voice) were eating breakfast on the table across the room. The evening before in the bar we scouted out other suspiciously studenty groups of 5 that appeared, a sort of celebrity gracing the air, as we realised these people were here, taking time off uni for a reason that had to be kept secret, now part of the same club as us.

Before filming you aren’t told who you’re playing, you have a time and that’s it. The team you just brought a drink with could very well be the team who thrash you the next day for millions of people to watch. This “distance” between you and the people of University Challenge never really leaves, even when Amol is joking with you behind your respective desks during a filming break, or when you buzz in and hear your name, or when the iconic theme tune blares through the studio to count the cameras in; you can’t help but laugh with complete amazement.

Keeping the team a secret has been “almost impossible” admits Luke. Seeing five students tapping a table in the SU cafe and blurting out answers to questions read from a brain-sized book probably did look slightly suspicious. For once we weren’t allowed to give the correct answers, having to hastily reply “quiz” when people would ask how we all knew each other when we bumped into each other in Jimmies, or were asked by friends at the Trevelyan College pub quiz. 8 months since filming we can now share our starters for 10 with you on Monday the 7th of October, BBC 2, 8:30pm. For now, it’s goodnight from the Series 31 Durham Team, goodnight, and goodnight from me too, goodnight.